Poem by Tecumseh – Native American Shawnee Chief

I heard this poem today, and thought I’d post it:

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

More info on the author

Why I Like Private Eye (one reason, anyway)

Arkell v. Pressdram (1971) [unreported]
Solicitor (Goodman Derrick & Co.):

We act for Mr Arkell who is Retail Credit Manager of Granada TV Rental Ltd. His attention has been drawn to an article appearing in the issue of Private Eye dated 9th April 1971 on page 4. The statements made about Mr Arkell are entirely untrue and clearly highly defamatory. We are therefore instructed to require from you immediately your proposals for dealing with the matter. Mr Arkell’s first concern is that there should be a full retraction at the earliest possible date in Private Eye and he will also want his costs paid. His attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply.

Private Eye:

We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr J. Arkell. We note that Mr Arkell’s attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off.

[No further reply]

A Recent Letter to LactoFree.co.uk

Now that you’ve saved me from a life without milk-based food (recent lactose-intolerance discovery – NOT loving it, btw! – but at least I can carry on making custard!), how about saving my ACTUAL life, and producing creme fraiche? Although it’s possible I MAY live without cheese (thanks for at least allowing me near cheese once again, but I’m used to manchego, reblochon, comte, caerphilly, gruyere – hmmm, and the intestinal … well, let’s not discuss THAT – so you have some way to go yet on that score, but kudos for the effort so far), it’s just possible I may shuffle off my own existential coil without the ability to make a decent sauce. I have lardons and savoy cabbage that look up at me, with “WHY??!!” written all over them…
Ah, that’s better! The question I actually have (assuming you got this far) is “are you able to produce a creme fraiche, or a similar soured cream product, and if so then when?”.
Thanks very much.

I got a reply – it’s on the way…

 

Such a Disappointment for a Young Boy

I had a very interesting few hours the other day. I was watching David Lee Roth rehearse for an upcoming tour, and really enjoying the action – the man still knows how to throw himself around in that rock ‘n’ roll powerhouse style we’ve all come to know, and even spent time on a gantry some thirty feet in the air. The high kicks are still there, along with the wristbands, that Burt Lancaster grin, and the infectious idea that EVERYTHING is AWESOME! What can I say – he takes my breath away (in a purely non-homoerotic sense, you understand… I think).

Afterwards, we sipped cappuccinos and communed. Here’s a little secret for you that came totally out of the blue – it turns out he’s afraid of heights! As well as career highlights and lowlights, we talked about much of the usual things two grown men sipping cappuccino discuss – life, love and regrets – and a recent interview he did for Rolling Stone, in which he lamented the loss of probing journalism. I have to confess that it was all pretty epic.

We finished our chat, and he got up to leave. I noticed he’d left a scarf on the table, and as I bent down to pick it up and was busy tormenting myself with the idea that I might want to keep it, I only went and woke up!

The heartfelt disappointment set the tone for the entire day…

Not Allowed to Contact Sharp Entity, or How to Love Your Sofa in Pseudo-English

Paspartout and I recently purchased two new sofas – two and three-seaters, black leather, very comfortable – and finally ditched the god-awful feather-spewing abominations we’ve had to put up with all these years. Now, whilst that in itself isn’t exactly post-worthy (although the feather thing is certainly something worth celebrating, in my opinion), I would however, like to share with you, dear readers (both of you), the care instructions that came with them. Sit back, relax, be careful not to spill your tea on your sofa, and hopefully the following (reproduced verbatim) will amuse:

General Sofa leather care instruction

To ensure leather product best performance in exertion and make use it properly, please comprehend below care instruction while being used:

1. Being contact with idiosyncratic material.
Not allowed to place with fading material or cloggy material, to avoid the influence on product surface luster, hand touch and grain.

2. Being contact with impregnant.
Not allowed to contact acid, alkali as well as impregnant chemical such as butanone, tuolene etc so as to avoid dissolving leather surface.

3. Surface cleaning.
Please use Diluent litmusless-detergent for cleanout, and clean by soft cloth.

4. high temperature contact.
POLYURETHANE(PU) will appear variation on surface luster, grain, deformation, discoloration and surface adherence when staying with high temperature.

5. Indoor furniture is not allowed for long-time insolation and immerge in water, dry it soon when being affected with damp and water. Please use polish for maintenance

6. Others
Not allowed to contact sharp entity.

Can you guess what my favourite is…?

There’s No Free Advertising Here, Matey

I recently posted a review of an Italian restaurant here in the sunny bohemian climes of our fair Swinetown. It was scathing, but honest, but I’ve received no feedback (I also posted it on Trip Advisor – though, in the interests of full disclosure, I had to add the restaurant first, in order to trash it!). Imagine my surprise when, this very day, I receive a reply to my post. I know what you’re thinking, but you’re very much mistaken – this was from a rival restaurant. This rival restaurant (who will remain nameless, not because I fear naming them, but because they will have no free advertising from me, after their heinous crime) had not only the shamefacedness to plug themselves on my blog, but then went on to suggest that I would “enjoy” Christmas with them. The bloody cheek of it! As if it was ever going to be possible to “enjoy” Christmas… But I digress – that’s not the reason I chose to put fingertips to keyboard, oh no. Why? I’ll tell you why – the idiot that tried to get a free post out of me couldn’t even spell “restaurant” – a fairly basic requirement, for someone in the trade, I would have thought. Not only that, they also managed to get the URL of their restaurant wrong as well…!!!

I mean… come on! Sometimes I despair, I really do.

Non ci sono pubblicita gratuità qui, Signore …

Ode to Don Paulo, on the Passing of Another Year

His name is Paul Harris, he’s never embarrassed
By the things that his family do
But he has, on occasion, enjoyed the attention
Of a birthday party or two

When it comes to imbibing, he’s always abiding
And tips his glass to his pals
He’ll shake a man’s hand, say “here’s to ya, man”
And be quick with a kiss for the girls

Happy Birthday, Señor …

Automatic, no wait it’s … automatic?

Sorry, I just had to post this again -  “push”? … “automatic”? I mean, come ON …

Gaetano’s Italian Restaurant: a Review

As far as I can tell, the ‘new look’ of Gaetano’s extends no further than the sign outside. The service is still woefully inadequate (we waited for an hour for the starters to arrive), and the food tastes as though it’s just been lifted out of a low-cost catering pack. Dried parmesan – in an Italian restaurant? For shame!

House wine is supposed to be affordable, but reasonably good. It’s not supposed to be overly delightful, but be sufficiently well-rounded to go with anything. It’s not, I repeat NOT, supposed to strip the enamel off one’s teeth.
Our shameful meal consisted of (amongst other things) gristley meatballs, undercooked pizza, dried basil on my caprese, tinned tomatoes passing as a “rich tomato sauce”. Not a thing was fresh.

Despite repeated complaints about timing, and a request (ignored) early on for bread and/or olives to fill the aching void of our bellies, we waited another 30 minutes after a “dear god, no” to the desert menu, before we’d had enough and screamed for the bill. No coffee, no digestif, no service, no tip.

All in all, it was an experience I would have gladly exchanged for a root canal.

The website proudly announces “the best Italian food outside of Italy”. If I worked for the Italian tourist board, I’d firebomb them.
Need I say “avoid”?

Paspartout Got Hitched

Really? Oh Paspartout, what did you do? Gone are those heady days of reckless abandon, of shoeless bewilderment, and carefree encounters. Oh no, wait, that’s my loss of freedom we should be lamenting – the replacement of the adventure spirit with a new yolk of responsibility.

Yes indeed, Paspartout has finally made an honest man of me! I shall frolic no more; from forthwith, I shall trudge my weary way through life with the burdens of responsibility firmly rested upon my broad (and rather manly, it has to be said) shoulders.

Of course, one could (and probably should) argue that this move has firmly cemented the bonds of comradeship that I have with my ‘man’. “Cemented” – is it just me, or does it remind one of a cheap gangster movie?