Just Me

Killing a Zombie isn’t Complicated…

“Killing a zombie isn’t complicated, it’s just hard…

So, for the sake of argument, say you have a zombie in front of you and you want to kill it. Well the best, quickest, and easiest thing to do is sever the connection between its brain and the rest of the body. This may not actually kill the host, but not even the zombie bacteria can move a host once its brain stem is hacked or its neck is snapped. Now, say you have two or more zombies standing there and you want all of them dead and you don’t really have any practical zombie-killing experience to draw on. In that case you might try pulling out your large-caliber hand-gun and shooting them in the heart. You could try for the face, but unless you hit the brain stem or blow out some really enormous chunks of gray matter, they’re gonna keep coming after you. So just go for the heart. Explode the heart and the machine can’t run no matter how hard the bacteria works. You could also strangle, drown or burn or blow up or hang or chop up or push from a tall building your average zombie. As long as you stop the heart or the brain or just cause massive physical trauma, you’re gonna kill the thing. But we’re talking about finding a quick and easy method here. So my advice is use a gun and a lot of bullets, just like if you were trying to kill your wife or husband.”

From Already Dead, by Charlie Huston, 2005

 

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It’s Really Not First Class – an Open Letter to the Royal Mail

Dear slovens

I appreciate the stress that doing a job of work can sometimes cause, and fully understand that quite often there is the utterly justified reluctance to do the work one is being paid for, so it is with absolutely no surprise I find that you consistently fail to deliver my post on time, and even to the slack standards you have set yourselves.

To wit, one letterbox sized packet marked “Urgent and Perishable” which, when sent First Class (an oxymoron of the most erudite wit, if ever there was a candidate!), took a full eight days to arrive. This is a weekly, scheduled, package, which almost never arrives on time, and even if it does then it’s only by what must be sheer accident of scheduling.

I have to say that I don’t really irk at the recent price hikes, but what I really do take umbrage with is the fact that there really is no value for money in the service you provide. If you deem a service to be “first class”, and require a commensurate level of remuneration for it, then first class it really must be. Most organisations have SLAs with their customers, and many of those have penalties or some form of compensatory remediation, available upon breach of said SLA. something you might want to think about. No, wait – strike that – something you would NEVER want to think about, given your current approach to delivery schedules.

Could it be that the delivery address is a business park? Is that an issue for you, or is it just me that you can’t be arsed to deliver on time to? I’ve written to the sender each time this occurs (oh, did I not say – this is a regular occurrence!), recommending that they choose an alternative mail delivery provider. Oh wait, you have sole responsibility for the national delivery of mail. Sounds a little like a monopoly to me, especially in this day and age.

Or, it could just be down to our miserable postie, who opens the door and throws our post in, even when it’s covered in “FRAGILE” tape. He’s a love, a real charmer.

Oh, and now you want to give my post to my drug-addled skank neighbours (who, I have to be fair, are actually neither – for now). No, that’s not what you’re paid to do, and I don’t believe it warrants the moniker “first class”.

Pah!

 

Poem by Tecumseh – Native American Shawnee Chief

I heard this poem today, and thought I’d post it:

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart. Trouble no one about their religion; respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours. Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life. Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people. Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.

Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, even a stranger, when in a lonely place. Show respect to all people and grovel to none.

When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself. Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools and robs the spirit of its vision.

When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

More info on the author

Why I Like Private Eye (one reason, anyway)

Arkell v. Pressdram (1971) [unreported]
Solicitor (Goodman Derrick & Co.):

We act for Mr Arkell who is Retail Credit Manager of Granada TV Rental Ltd. His attention has been drawn to an article appearing in the issue of Private Eye dated 9th April 1971 on page 4. The statements made about Mr Arkell are entirely untrue and clearly highly defamatory. We are therefore instructed to require from you immediately your proposals for dealing with the matter. Mr Arkell’s first concern is that there should be a full retraction at the earliest possible date in Private Eye and he will also want his costs paid. His attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of your reply.

Private Eye:

We acknowledge your letter of 29th April referring to Mr J. Arkell. We note that Mr Arkell’s attitude to damages will be governed by the nature of our reply and would therefore be grateful if you would inform us what his attitude to damages would be, were he to learn that the nature of our reply is as follows: fuck off.

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