Not Allowed to Contact Sharp Entity, or How to Love Your Sofa in Pseudo-English

Paspartout and I recently purchased two new sofas – two and three-seaters, black leather, very comfortable – and finally ditched the god-awful feather-spewing abominations we’ve had to put up with all these years. Now, whilst that in itself isn’t exactly post-worthy (although the feather thing is certainly something worth celebrating, in my opinion), I would however, like to share with you, dear readers (both of you), the care instructions that came with them. Sit back, relax, be careful not to spill your tea on your sofa, and hopefully the following (reproduced verbatim) will amuse:

General Sofa leather care instruction

To ensure leather product best performance in exertion and make use it properly, please comprehend below care instruction while being used:

1. Being contact with idiosyncratic material.
Not allowed to place with fading material or cloggy material, to avoid the influence on product surface luster, hand touch and grain.

2. Being contact with impregnant.
Not allowed to contact acid, alkali as well as impregnant chemical such as butanone, tuolene etc so as to avoid dissolving leather surface.

3. Surface cleaning.
Please use Diluent litmusless-detergent for cleanout, and clean by soft cloth.

4. high temperature contact.
POLYURETHANE(PU) will appear variation on surface luster, grain, deformation, discoloration and surface adherence when staying with high temperature.

5. Indoor furniture is not allowed for long-time insolation and immerge in water, dry it soon when being affected with damp and water. Please use polish for maintenance

6. Others
Not allowed to contact sharp entity.

Can you guess what my favourite is…?